You Are a Person, Not a Project

There is a particular kind of pressure that follows all of us around these days... an expectation that we should always be working on ourselves. Think of all the "shoulds" that get dumped on us. We should have better boundaries. Better habits. Better sleep. Heal our old attachment wounds. Regulate our nervous system. Practice gratitude. Get our steps in. Be more present. Even rest has become a thing we feel we should have to be good at!

At some point, just being a person has started to feel like a very demanding self-improvement project.

Sometimes the Horse Doesn't Come Back

Anyone who survived childhood in the 1980s probably remembers "The NeverEnding Story" and, unfortunately, Artax.

But you know, there is a surprising honesty to the Swamp of Sadness. It doesn't offer the reassuring message that everything happens for a reason, or that every storm produces a rainbow, or that every loss will eventually reveal itself as some blessing in disguise.

The truth of the matter is that sometimes terrible things just happen.

Sometimes we lose something we desperately wanted to keep. And sometimes we are disappointed that there isn't a profound lesson to make that loss feel worthwhile.

Yet somehow, there is still a life to live afterward.

That may be one of the harder truths that we learn to hold in therapy. Acceptance is not the same thing as approval, and moving forward does not require making what happened okay.

Both Things Can Be True

We can be both devastated and still keep going. We can accept ourselves as we are and still need to change. We can deserve compassion for how we got here and remain responsible for what we do next. We can acknowledge that life has been profoundly unfair and not surrender all our agency over what happens from here.

This is the uncomfortable territory of both/and. It doesn't offer a cruel “get over it." Nor does it give false reassurance that everything will work out exactly as it should.

Instead, it asks us to consider: Given that this is true, how do I want to live now?

Because if you've gotten this far in life, you are likely aware that you aren't necessarily promised a rainbow after every storm. Sometimes there is simply the decision to take the next right step through the swamp. 

And for now, that next step might be to stop trying so hard to become a better version of what everyone says you "should" be, and simply allow yourself to be the human being you already are. 

That is enough.